who is she?

•January 7, 2013 • 2 Comments

overwhelment, unseen and unheard, consumes

my knees are weak, gasping breaths

i long for consummation

my self-worth dimmed to the flame of a candle.

this woman of whom you speak…who is she?

who is she?

is she pretending?

hiding between the flash and the aperture.

are you the jigsaw piece fitting into place?

frozen days and shattered knights

the board is no longer familiar

sixty-four squares and the royalty is no longer

worthy of protecting

NO. NO. NO.

i will be fine.

these tears are the tears

of the wind.

my defenses are down

my charade is in pieces.

my splendid smile wanes.

and so i wait.

i burden my friends.

i hit the bottle.

i wonder about my family

but more than this:

i wonder what you are thinking.

as i swallow my pride and my

craving for your voice comes

seeping through

the cracks.

does nobody notice?

alas, no.

with a sigh of relief and sorrow,

i go back to my wretched research.

and a private, shattered lie.

a private life, that no one else can know

but i wax self-pitiful.

buck up and show a stiff upper lip.

claw your way out of this

whole

mess.

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over souls

•January 7, 2013 • Leave a Comment

he swayed with me in the moonlight

and countered my words with magic.

from out of nowhere ~

came a magnificent

word master,
who has seen my eyes.

lost in the ether,

i know him.

my lover,

my pet,

my own.

for i am his and his alone.

mated souls ~

over souls.

a little prayer for snow

•January 7, 2013 • Leave a Comment

the mantle of my shame conceals my image

the snow, corrupted by exhaustion, is a badge.

i implore it to instruct me –

to renew my innocence.

my entreaties, they go without notice, without care
once was…

oh, god. the simplistic metre and rhyme is bullshit.

i harbor confusion.

bring me the snow.

a prayer for oblivion.

to obscure my doubts, my fears.

let it kiss me with with its pale wisdom;

and answer my prayer.

kochicular

•November 3, 2012 • Comments Off on kochicular

electric disgust

hybrid labyrinth phantasm

weakened overcast

chest chuckle zip

perpendicular evacuation map

color thief.

double edged swords

•November 2, 2012 • Leave a Comment

a painful smile

cracks

the prisoner’s sun.

fluttering

through

the antiseptic safety.

notes discordant;

contemplating

a line of liquid cherries.

russet & amber dripping

down the mountain

in the grace

of autumn glory.

luminous lamictal dreams.

horrendous hope.

nope. nope. nope.

watching

humors

rise.

you may be seated.

i cover my eyes

&

return

to

you

with kisses & treasure

do whatever the hell you want

•November 20, 2011 • Comments Off on do whatever the hell you want

i think i’m going to go to church today.

i haven’t been in a long time. i can come up with a gillion excuses, but none are really accurate or satisfactory. the truth of the matter is that i’ve been lazy: plain and simple.

i’ve been whingeing and whining because i’ve been stuck in this endless loop of applying for positions, not even getting a call or email on; praying for work, not getting any response from sending out my resumes; and apparently not answering the initial questions correctly on those pre-application screening thingies because i never quite make it to the actual application.

and i’ve been so angry at God about this.

I NEED A JOB, GOD! I’VE BEEN PRAYING AND PRAYING! YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO ASSUME FULL RESPONSIBILITY TO MEET MY NEEDS, DUDE! AND I NEED A JOB!

Last weekend, Dr. Charles Stanley spoke about this very topic and he reminded me of a few things.

He reminded me that God’s responsibility to to meet my needs is premised on my relationship with Christ; and that one cannot be living in disobedience to God and expect Him to meet our needs.

And those two principles really hit me with a sledge hammer (along with the principle that you can’t be lazy and expect God to meet your needs); because i have been neglecting my relationship with Christ and i have not been obedient to God in my thoughts and in my actions.

hence my determination to get my sorry butt to church this morning. it’s time to start putting some things right with God.

anniversary

•November 16, 2011 • Leave a Comment

one year ago today, i was admitted to hospital for self-injury. it was the first time i had ever been hospitalized and it was itself an overwhelming experience. i therefore found myself having to confront a serious self injury AND being admitted to a psychiatric facility simultaneously.

i remember knowing that my injuries were not significant; i didn’t need stitches. i did, however, know that i needed HELP. i knew that because i was unable to work…calling in sick day after day so that i could stare at the walls and engage in self injurious behavior. i remember feeling so hopeless and sad and wretched and nothing made any sense to me. my therapy was going nowhere and i had been trying med after med and nothing was working.

i had gone numb to everything.

i finally called my pdoc to tell him how much i was struggling, he advised me to go to hospital and he was going to get me into the best facility he could.

the next day, all i had to do was to get myself there.

that was a very difficult journey and i almost turned back. somehow i made it, though, and got myself admitted.

being admitted to hospital is a very exhausting process, and it took me better than three hours to go through it. by the time i made it to the borderline ward, it was time for bed. i barely had time to meet my roommate before lights out.

i was in the in-patient program for two weeks and the out-patient program for another two-weeks.

looking back on the experience, i have to wonder how i feel about it. a part of me is still worried about the stigma of having been hospitalized. but the greater part of me feels like i got a great deal of benefit from it.

while i wasn’t “cured,” from the experience; i did *finally* confront some major issues that had been exacerbating my already exhausted nerves. by confronting those issues in such a raw way, it cleared the path for me to make some radical changes.

i know that i still have a great deal of work to do, and i won’t lie and say that i haven’t had some serious set backs, but i can say that i have made some progress from where i was a year ago.

so i won’t be cracking out the bubbly (not on *these* meds) and throwing a big party, i can say that this is a happy-ish anniversary.